Thursday, July 15, 2010

Coffee Vs. Babies

People say babies are cute.  Sometimes, I will painfully admit, they are.   Tiny, squishy, newborn things in one piece terry cloth suits, who stare around them like they're permanently drunk, have a vague, intangible adorability factor.   But don't mistake this for me suddenly having an affinity for these tiny squealing humans.  I only like them so long as they're a) not crying, b) not spitting up baby goo and c) not producing smells that would make a sewer worker blush.   And it helps when I don't have to be around them for more than a few minutes.  But they have a cuteness to them, in theory.   Mainly because they haven't had a chance to develop obnoxious personalities yet.  Once they're about two, forget about it.  I always said if I accidentally had one I'd be a great mother because the first thing I'd do is I'd pack that thing up and send it to my mom's house to be raised until it was eighteen and could leave home.  Yeah, only the best for my kid.  I mean, look how I turned out!

But yes, they can be cute. For instance, who doesn't love seeing a baby eat a piece of food he doesn't care for.  There's no, "No thank you, I don't much like that!"  Instead they look like you just fed them a big, old, salty dog poop.   Full-on face wrinkle, arms flailing, gagging sounds up the wazoo.

I might start registering disgust this way myself.

But no, I still don't want one of my own.  I'm perfectly happy to watch yours make the "this tastes like mashed ass" face right before he fills his diaper with the remnants of lunch.

But I'll be happy it's not my baby.  My baby sits here on my desk, steaming hot, smelling delicious and tasting bitter and sweet all at once.  My baby can power me for a whole morning and make me work more productively while chilling out my innards with its caffeinated goodness.    My baby doesn't poop anywhere which makes him maintenance free.  And all I have to feed him is a spoonful of sugar.   And that makes the medicine go down smooth...

Of course, your baby doesn't force you to suck a mint after holding him or else repel anyone in a 20 yard radius, but I still claim the victory.

Coffee 1, Babies 0.


  1. I am on my third very tall cup of coffee.

    "black, no sugar, leave a little room for cream"!

    But I don't put any in. I just like to leave a little room.

  2. Haha, dude if I drank three tall cups of coffee I'd probably be talking in one long sentence and running around like the Road Runner. Then crashing wildly. I only do one cup a day. I'm a light weight. But oh my god, that one cup is heaven. Also, black is the only way to drink it. Once you go black you never go....well.

  3. Just so you know, I'm stalking you here now.
    I love other people's babies because, well, they are other people's babies. I can spoil them and then give them back!
    But don't you think you and Mr. Trololo would make pretty babies? Gotcha thinkin' about that now, didn't I? - G

  4. Well Georgy Girl, make sure you bring a good book because we're like trains. Infrequent then three come along at once. :)