Monday, August 23, 2010

Babies are like The Beatles of Human Life Development Stages

Look, I don't hate babies. I love babies. It's just that everybody says babies are so great. You get sick of hearing about it after a certain point. Babies this, babies that, yeah yeah yeah babies babies babies. It's like to listen to some people, life began with the babies and they're just the greatest thing period, and no sense talking about some of the great advances and growth that has happened since. And that's just so far off the mark, to me!

Yes, I understand that even of all of today's relevant, influential adults, almost all of them passed through a phase where they themselves were really strongly influenced by babyness - by their own babyness, even if not by someone elses'. The influence of babyness and of babies on our pop culture is pervasive, to the point where it is almost impossible to make any conjectures about what our world would be like, or look like, if there had never been any babies. So I'm not trying to say that the babies made no difference. I'm not trying to denigrate the position that the babies occupy in our cultural scheme of things. We all owe a pretty definite debt to the babies.

But enough! OK? Enough! Not every damn thing goes back to the babies alright? There's plenty of things that came after, that are way better than that. I'm sorry. Yes, "the babies" - extremely big in their time, huge impact, huge influence, but get over it already! Grow up. There's a lot going on out there in the world right now that puts the babies to shame. No offense to the babies! It's just a fact, and if you want to close your ears and eyes to everything vibrant and creative and mature right now in this life, or if you want to dismiss it by saying "oh, well, those people couldn't have done that if they hadn't first been babies" - as if that makes any sense - well, you know what, good for you. Stay stuck in your pathetic little closed-off mentality if you choose. Stay stuck in a mindset that can just goo and gurgle and coo softly to you and I guess remind you of your childhood or whatever. Shit your diapers indefinitely for all I care. But for me -

Hey, I love the babies. But there's way more and way better things in this life than just the dang babies.


  1. Hahaha, you're cracking me up here. Those dang babies. :)

  2. This works much better as a babies post than it does as a Beatles post.

  3. Hahhaahaaa!

    Wow, all this makes that time I asked you 'Are you sure you don't want to have a kid' just ironic. Sorry, I had no idea you dedicated a whole spinoff blog to the concept.

    When you get behind a belief or concept, I give you credit that you don't do anything halfway.
    It's 0% -> 100% for the Vegetable Assassin

  4. I'm sooo sick of babies. And marriages. And happiness. and ESPECIALLY love. Love this.

  5. You are sooooo right- there was so many other great things! Like bourbon, cigarettes, strippers and and and.... oh man, SO MUCH MORE!
    Hookers and blow.

  6. You don't have kids do you? ^_^ Neither do I, but it's just funny to hear you getting so worked up.

  7. Ah. This is a response to all the baby blogs out there. Why do people blog about their babies?
    Look. When you have a baby, something happens to you, physically, that affects your mind and spirit too. IT JUST MAKES YOU LOVE BABIES. Your own, of course, is the cutest there ever has been or ever will be, but ... suddenly ALL babies are cute. And adorable. And irresistible. And you just have to blog about them, and go to other people's blogs to look at their adorable pictures, and go to YouTube to look at their adorable videos ...
    It's biological, OK? It's given to us to make us love our babies as much as they need to be loved, through all the work that we would never be willing to do otherwise. It's, actually, a wonderful gift from God.
    However. If you are not under this hormonal influence, I get it. I get that you don't get it. That's OK, no one expects you to.